Too Much To Handle

I need to blog soon.
All of these emotions are killing me.
This is by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
And I need to let everything out.
I'm about to explode.

Don't give up.

Word

I don't know if there's a word for what I'm feeling right now. I wish I knew the exact word so I could express my feelings. But I don't. I guess it's just so many feelings put into one that it would be so hard to describe it.

Hmph.

Giving Up the Gun

I just felt like posting pictures today. I miss Nicole and her camera. SNAP SNAP SNAP all day. Come back soon!

Lesson Learned

1. I feel like I can't state my opinion. I feel in this household mistakes are looked down on rather than encouraged. In my opinion, mistakes are what shape you as a person and they help you learn to make better decisions in the future. Why are you guys so different from the rest? To everyone I have told my problems to, you guys seem out of the ordinary. I know you do and say the things you do because you love me but sometimes it hurts. I know love is supposed to hurt but not all the time. Lately you guys have just made me feel so bad about myself. I am really trying hard to make you guys happy and trying to make as little mistakes as possible. I wish I had the guts to stand up to you guys and tell you what I really feel and give you my side of things rather than you just lecturing me and telling me everything I do wrong. How about telling me something I do right for once? How about praising me for my grades or my sports. Criticizing someone without giving them positive feedback too is useless. It just makes the push you away. And I hate to admit it, but yes, I am pushing you guys away right now. I am trying hard to be good and make the right decisions but I can't handle trying to do my best whilst at the same time being criticized for it. I know you guys are just trying to make me a good person and not be seen as other as a girl with no morals and values but please, I think I have seen, heard, and learned enough in this family to know what is right or wrong. All I'm asking for is a little bit of leeway in order for me to learn from my mistakes rather than you you guys sheltering me from everything and not letting me learn for myself. When I don't have you in every moment of my life one day, how will I survive? I'm trying hard and so should you two.

2. I learned a lot today. No, not from school. From one of my best friends, my boyfriend. He indirectly taught me that when you get yourself into a crappy situation don't freak out and react whatever way you want. You need to think about what you're going to say because other people have feelings and you should never forget that. I learnt that how you deal with these situations that we are often challenged with should be faced with patience, calmness, with an open heart and with your ears ready to listen. When talking something out, don't always think you're right. The common misconception is that you have to tell that person what they did everything they did to make you feel bad. Wrong. You have to listen to what they have to say before you can share your side of the story. What they have to say is really important and you should just listen to them. Also, when confronting them don't say "you did this, this, this, this oh and THIS." Say it in a nice way. No one likes to solve problems when things are tense and when both people are frustrated. So keep calm. I know I didn't exactly deal with today's situation in the best way. In fact, I was ashamed with how I dealt with it and I'm sorry. Thank you for just dropping it and telling me everything was okay. Sometimes, that's all I need and today was the first time you ever did that and it made me feel so much better about the whole situation. Thank you for being you and for always being there for me no matter in what mood you are.

3. I love Art Pixie's blog!

4. Oh hi there cute elephant. I need to learn how to draw this.

Stop

You just don't learn do you? You don't keep your word either.

It makes me really sad.

Contra

For those of you who haven't had the PRIVILEGE to have listened to this heavenly piece of heaven, please do. I downloaded the album today and it's truly amazing. Before when one of my song providers, Nicole (thanks dear), recommended me this I thought it was trash. HAAAA. For some reason I trust Genius more than Nicole. Sorry brah.

Please do listen to this. You will thank me :)

Goodbye Summer 2010

How boring can a book get? Okay, why do teachers insist on making us read something that is near impossible to understand? Maybe it's just me and I'm stupid and I'm not good enough for honors English or whatever but I think I'm not the only one who is being tortured by this book. So I've just settled for reading Sparknotes even though that is really confusing to read too. I feel so stupid right now...

So, last day of summer is here. How wonderful... not. I'm really not excited for school. Soccer season, yes but school, no. I think I got too used to lying in bed till 12 and not using my brain for anything more than counting coins to buy milk tea and fan tuans at 711.

I plan to spend the last day of summer doing what I wont be able to do for another 9 months. Laying in bed with the ac on, lights off, curtains closed, brain OFF, covers ON, cookies and grapefruit juice nearby, and dreading reading Sparknotes.

Hasta la vista summer 2010.

The Bubblegum Gang's 30 Day Challenge

I don't think I will do all of them. I will DEFINITELY not engage in uploading a sassy picture of me. Because that is for guys. It's kind of sad that I read guy's blogs. But its a change from the usual Le Blog De Betty or The Satorialist-reading afternoons. I think I'll do some when I'm not too busy stressing about school starting.

The Bubblegum Gang’s 30 Day Challenge

Day 1 - You’re in a no holds barred fight with 20 small children. Describe the tactics you would use to defeat them.

Day 2 - Who do you normally choose in Mario Kart? You cannot answer with Yoshi because we all know everyone always picks Yoshi.

Day 3 - Team Edward or Team Jacob? Why?

Day 4 - Create your own Bible verse!

Day 5 - Which Star Wars character would you engage in sexual activities with? Why?

Day 6 - Write a parody for the chorus of your favourite song. You get bonus points if it’s about reproductive organs.

Day 7 - You wake up to find the world overrun with zombies. What do you do?

Day 8 - Combine the most badass animals into one super creature. Describe and name it.

Day 9 - How do you think the world will end?

Day 10 - Which Mean Girls character do you feel is the most like you?

Day 11 - You wake up in the morning and you’re feeling like P. Diddy. What do you do?

Day 12 - Upload a photo of you being overly sassy.

Day 13 - Combine the best physical attributes of your favourite celebrities into one super creature. Describe and name it.

Day 14 - Go outside. Throw a rock at something. Describe what happened.

Day 15 - Tweet or change your Facebook status to ‘Man, Menopause is the worst.’ Post any replies you get.

Day 16 - What physical attribute do you find appealing about the opposite sex that you think most people don’t?

Day 17 - Name your genitals. Explain the reasoning behind your choice.

Day 18 - Which Pokemon do you feel you look the most like?

Day 19 - Upload a photo of you being overly slutty.

Day 20 - You’re able to rewrite the ending to one movie of your choosing. What movie would it be and what would you change?

Day 21 - Google crashes. What do you do?

Day 22 - When you are talking to someone today refer to them as ‘Troy’. When they ask you why you called them that deny it strongly and act as though they are crazy. Describe what happened.

Day 23 - What form does your patronus take when you cast it?

Day 24 - God introduces an eighth deadly sin. What is it?

Day 25 - Upload a photo of you with your favourite shoe balanced on your head.

Day 26 - You wake up to find yourself on the Lost island. What do you do?

Day 27 - Write a letter to your future boyfriend/girlfriend apologising for something in advance.

Day 28 - Write ‘I still know what you did last summer.’ on a piece of paper. Leave it for someone to find. Describe what you did and why you did it.

Day 29 - You get to spend 24 hours as an animal of your choosing. What would it be and why?

Day 30 - You’re given a DeLorean, a flux capacitor and some plutonium and can go wherever you like in time. What would you do? You cannot answer ”I’d go back and not participate in this stupid challenge.” as everyone would answer with that.

Morgan Freeman

Who doesn't love Morgan Freeman, the 73 year old man who's voice can't be any more similar to God's. I saw this on Tumblr. I thought it was quite interesting considering Morgan Freeman is one of my favorite actors.

Preserving Morgan Freeman’s Voice

Morgan Freeman’s voice is one of inspiration and wonder. At one time or another everyone has fantasised about God’s voice being that of Morgan Freeman, and a lot of us are going to be disappointed if God sounds any different. However, Morgan Freeman is now 73 years old, and that has me worried about how the world would recover from his death. Who would you go to when you needed to deliver an important, epic-sounding message?

I propose that scientists begin working on a method of preserving Morgan Freeman’s voice, so that for centuries to come the world will be able to feel inspired by it. If they can capture his voice perfectly then there will be endless opportunities for us to use it every single day in order to brighten up our lives. Here are just a few uses for Morgan Freeman’s voice:

- In-car GPS systems could utilise it. I know I would drive a lot more often if Morgan Freeman was telling me to ‘Turn left in 100 metres.’

- Stephen Hawking can change the voice of his computer to that of Morgan’s. No one will ever make fun of him again…

- Your voicemail recording could be spoken by Morgan Freeman, although I for one know that I would feel a lot of pressure to leave a good message if he was the one asking me to do so.

Credits to: http://thebubblegumgang.com/

Why Why Why

Why should love have to be hidden?
Why does love have to be belong to people of a certain age?
Why do people have to tell you how you have to love?
Why does there have to be so many rules set by other about relationships?
How are we supposed to be happy if so many are interfering and telling us what to do?
Why do people feel the need to judge?


It's so complicated.

Reactions

Sometimes, I'm even disappointed and surprised by the reactions that come out of me sometimes. I've noticed I laugh when I'm scared. Cry when I'm supposed to be happy. Am sad what I am supposed to enjoy a moment. I really have to try to fit my reactions with the situation. I definitely need to stop laughing when I am confronted because it just makes things worse. I guess the only explanation for my laughter is that I am so scared and uneasy about what is happening that I try to do something that I always do in search of reconciliation and to make things go back to "normal". Laughing just makes things worse and to others it seems as if as if you're not serious about the situation and stuff. So I should really stop doing that. I should really stop ruining the moment and crying when I'm happy. yeah, tears of joy are just awesome but sometimes it just ruins the moment huh? And crying always makes you a little bit sad so yeah. Just try to enjoy the moment. Also, I need to stop being sad in good moments. I start getting sad becuase I think about the moment ending or something ruining the moment. I think for this type of reaction just living the moment will be the best remedy. Not thinking about what will happen in 10 minutes but instead, living what's going on that second.

I have been so appalled by my own reactions lately and they have lead to many apologies. One last time, I'm sorry. I guess it's times like these I wish I was more like my brother Rafa who enjoys every second of his life. He lives it to the max and is happy whenever he can be rather than ruining the moment with negative emotions and reactions.

Jackie, just chill.

Tears of Joy

I used to think tears of joy were only for grandmas, for after you score a goal, for life's happiest moment, etc. Today I realized that lately, tears of joy have been present in my days for about a week. I don't know if I'm just really happy with life in general right now, or because the people around me what been making things really special for me, or that people have been writing really sweet things on inboxes (HAITHEREMAXINE), or seeing people who I haven't seen in eons, or witnessing a beautiful sunset, or reading a letter someone wrote me. All of these things have just made the end of my summer so great. And as much as I'd like to keep that tear lingering in my eye rather than it rolling out, sometimes its okay to let it out even though its cheesy and awkward at times. I guess those tears of joy have just been indicators that I will remember that moment forever because it was so special. I guess I'll have to make some space in my memory to store all of those wonderful moments I've had in the past few days. And I'd like to thank all the people who have caused those tears of joy. You guys are the ones who really mean a lot to me.

Maxine, thank for not judging me, for being there for me, and for being so understanding. Your friendship means so much to me.

To Jasmine, take care of yourself bud. I know it was hard for you to leave but I know it will be easier for you to arrive there and fit in perfectly with your new crowd. Sorry they won't be as fun and as weird as us but I know you will still have great moments with them. I'm so happy that you're finally living out your dream. Have a great time in New York, eat and shop lots in my name. Please don't forget to keep in touch, and jot down TAIWAN somewhere near the top of your to do list. I wish you all the best now and for all of your years at boarding school. Don't forget that you will always be received here in Taiwan with a very big warm welcome from all of your good friends. I will not say goodbye for the world is round and you will return. Oh hai, I think I am turning in to Shan Shan. But seriously, my utmost best wishes for you as you embark on your journey. As I am not in sixth grade anymore and I no longer own a xanga account, I will not address every single fun moment we had. I would just like to say that I am so grateful to have had you in the most important years of my childhood, and for all of the moments, good and bad, that we shared. See you soon buddy.

Enough

I'm dealing with enough. So just stop.
People just don't get it do they.
If you don't like someone, just don't talk about them or to them. That's what I do...
Why is it so hard for people to just not talk crap about someone?

UGH.

Doing Nothing

For a big part of today I just didn't feel like doing anything.
I wasn't sad or anything, I was actually really happy.
But I just wanted to be by myself listening to music and lost in my own thoughts.
I guess I've just been so busy lately and things have been quite hectic.
I just needed a while for doing nothing and chilling.

Later on I met up with Liz and ate Mcds and came home for some more alone time.
Yeah, I admit, I was craving some greasy, fattening, fake-looking food.
I guess I'm just too excited about Friday so I just need time to sit down and wrap my head around everything.
It's actually going to happen.
I'm finally going to see someone who I have been missing for 40 some days now.
That's kind of big for me.

For those of you in need of a new song:
Love Lost- The Temper Trap
I'm obsessed with that song right now.




I really really feel like making a fort right now. I remember I used to do that when I was little.

Lost In Thought

"Not everything that is faced can be changed but nothing can be changed until its faced."

Thank you, you've really helped. I was always kind of scared of you I must admit but you are one of the best listeners and advice givers I know. I'm really glad we talked :) And I hope everything works out for you and him.

And to someone very very special and important in my life: I really do miss you. I'm sorry for everything I have done. Truce? I know you're reading this. Cheer up kay?

Summer Nightssss

Today actually felt like summer. I've just been having a really really bad summer and today changed all of it. I had so much fun today. I realized a lot of things, good and bad, but everything worked out well.

I'm so glad we got to just lay down and look at the stars after dinner. I had always wanted to do that but I just didn't know where and we finally found the perfect place. It was truly amazing. Too bad Taiwan skies aren't as nice as hmmm Arizona skies. Gosh, I miss those. But either way, listening to John Mayer, talking, looking up at the sky, and feeling the summer breeze (so cliche, but it's so true) made everything so much better. It actually felt like summer, it actually felt like everything is going to be okay this year. Thinking about everything and nothing was just so relaxing. I'm really happy right now. But at the same time, I just feel kind of empty right now. I wont soon, but its hard not thinking about it when you're going through a really good moment in your life and you just want to experience it with one person but you just can't. Ah well, everything happens for a reason and there will be other times soon.

I hate to say it... I laughed so hard today I peed my pants... Literally.
I guess thats a sign that I had a lot of fun today... and that I have bladder problems.

Living Your Life To The Fullest

I haven't posted in SO long. It was so hard for me to get internet this summer :(

So what I think is that most people in their life get a period of time, some longer than others, in which they live their life to the fullest. They live without regrets, without worrying about what will happen if they take risks and stuff like that. I haven't lived like that yet and its because I'm not ready. I'm not ready to just take risks and be spontaneous. I know lots of people right now who are living their moment and I'm so happy for them. I'm not worried that I'm not living as a "free sprit" (sorry Nicole, I know you hate that phrase), because everyone gets their own time and I know I will get it sooner or later. I think honestly my parents are having it right now. My brother is having it right now. I see them both so happy. It doesn't mean that if you're not living like that you're not happy, it just means that you're carefree when you're living like that and you're just extra happy with life in general. But obviously you can still be happy without living like that.

I saw Remember Me on the plane. Its such a good movie. So sad, but it made me think about lots of things. Bottom line, enjoy your life. Its short.

I'm off to go running at school.
I know this post made no sense what so ever.
I've got lots of things on my mind, I will post later. I need to vent.

Goodbye

This Is Not Home

How come every time I come to the states I don't feel at home even though I've lived there for most of my life? For some reason I feel like I am from Taiwan rather than from Venezuela or Arizona. Obviously when someone asks me where I'm from say Venezuela but I don't feel like I'm from there. Yeah, I love the food, I love seeing my family, going to the beach and stuff but I just feel so out of place. That feeling is even stronger when I come to the states. Whenever I see girls my age here I just feel so different from them, I don't know why. It's kinda sad that I don't "fit in" or whatever, but I honestly don't mind that. It just doesn't feel right being here hmm.

I need a new camera. I love taking pictures and documenting my travels. I should save up because there are so many moments I'd love to remember and take pictures of. Examples? The moonlight reflecting on Santa Monica beach at night, the interesting people that walk in the Santa Monica boulevard mall, the amazing Arizona sunset when we landed (wow, I forgot what those were like), THE STARS here in Arizona. Wow I think I could entertain myself for hours just by sitting somewhere and looking up at night. They are so beautiful. Well I guess you can't take pictures of stars, but you get my point.

Sometimes I feel living in the States would be so much more interesting and eventful than Taiwan but then other times I think to myself how home-y Taiwan feels and how easy it is to get around and how safe it is. I think I should enjoy every second of Taiwan before I go to college because I won't have Taiwan forever and I'll probably live in the states for a really really long time.

I just remembered how easy it is to put on the pounds here. Its depressing with all the yummy food there is here. Chipotle!

Tomorrow is my brother's wedding. How exciting :)

You Could Say

“Too often we are scared, scared of what we might not be able to do, scared of what people might think if we tried, we let our fears stand in the way of our hopes. Why? There’s really no time to be afraid. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Everything.”

You could say that this is what inspired me to start a blog.

Packing

Packing for summer just feels so sad for me right now.

I honestly don't even want to go anywhere for summer, especially not Venezuela.

I think the most fun I will have over summer occurred over the past two weeks. EHHH

Well I guess I'm looking forward to my brother's wedding but that's pretty much it.

I'm going to miss people, Geoff, I'm going to be away from home in a third world country where its super unsafe and you have the constant worry that you'll get robbed or even killed. I am so not ready for this. I'm not even excited for shopping in Arizona. How fun.

When will I have a somewhat fun summer?

:(

Complicate

Why do people feel the urge to complicate their lives with either thoughts or unnecessary actions? Some people make bad decisions when they know they are making bad decisions but they do it anyways and they know at the tim they are doing it that this will bring them unhappiness anyways. So why do people continue to do these things and later on complain about ho unhappy they are? So confusing... Other choose to complicate their lives through thoughts. Over thinking things leads to complicating your own life. Why ring up something form the past just to dissect it even though it doesn't affect your current life anyways? Oh boy...

Something I learned this week is that you may think you know someone so so so well but one action might be committed and this might change everything you have every positive thought you have had about that one person. Even if the action wasn't meant to impact you, your thoughts about this person may be changed negatively forever.

You know when one person does something to your friend but you still like them because they haven't done anything directly to you? I used to think thats the way it should be. I used to think you should not like a person until they did something to you. But I noticed that a person's actions say a lot about what kind of person they are. So I think its okay to not like a someone, even if its a friend of yours who did something bad, even if they haven't done anything directly to you. Hmmmmm. Some people might consider this judgmental but how is it judgmental if the action that person committed just proves that they're not a good person in general.

Bittersweet

Was waking up to the smell of pancakes and Geoff the sweet part of my day? Or maybe the 3 hour walk Jasmine and I took around Tianmu one last time before going our own ways? How about the ice cream sundae we ate at haagen dazs? Or just looking into the future and imagining where we would be in 5 years. All of these things made my day so great. On the other hand, the bitter part was at one point where we were walking through Tianmu park. It hit me. My best friend is really leaving tomorrow. I don't know when the next time I see her will be but I really hope its soon. This was the bitter part of my day. But there were lots of exciting and AMAZING things that made up for it :) You better come visit missy.
Thank you for waking up so early to come and see me. The heart shaped pancake made my day.

It would have been better if the bottom was filled with caramel rather than black coffee. Yuck.

Sitting there talking about the past, the present, and the near and far future, watching the sun disappear from the cloudless sky like those girls in Paris (hehe) was so much fun. I guess at the end of the day we did find something chill and fun to do. I guess anything could be turned into fun even if its just sitting on the grass at a park. Too bad Nicole wasn't there. We missed you, you weird little Jesus Phoenix!

Unkown

What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?

I think sometimes we hold back from doing things we want to do because we think we'll fail. First of all, there is always some chance that things wont fail. Second, if you never try, you'll always wonder. What if I would've done that? Third, why are you so afraid of failing is failing is part of what makes humans so unique? If we actually tried things that we knew that there was a chance at failing at, I think it would open up more chance for succeeding.

Bad Day

Yes, today was a horrible day for me.

Half of it was spent crying. Half of it realizing that within months, I'll find myself without my two best friends. It will be hard but I'm trying to be optimistic. Thanks for a good last day you two. I know its cheesy but you guys will always have a big place in my heart. Awww. Too much cheese huh? But its true. Please keep in touch with me. Or at least read my blog to know what's up with me. I know you wont make a blog but Jasmine I really encourage you to. It helps. And you could even make your own fashion blog. I would read it more than three times a day. Haha.

As for the other thing. I'm still hurt. And as I said in my last post. I am forgiving but I'm trying really hard to forget and I go through waves of forgetting. I'll get distracted and everything is fine but then I think back to reality and its just devastating.

Enough sadness. Here are the things that have made my first two days of summer totally worth it.

Loved going to Smith&Hsu for tea with my lovely best friends

"Nicole I love you without braces" - Rene

Jasmine cheer up! Don't fake smile

I went to go buy paper today at the bookstore to make a big collage of pictures on my wall. Yes I chose this picture just for Nicole because of the cat. You're welcome

I thought this dog sleeping at one of the stores at Shilin was adorable. The best part was the if you put your head near its face, you could hear it snoring. How cute.

I noticed that I will miss really small things about Nicole and Jasmine. Jasmine's weird faces that she practices in the mirror. Or Nicole's obsession with bokeh.

Thanks for a great night at Shilin girlies, we should definitely do it again some time in the NEAR future.

Forgive and Forget

I've noticed that forgiving is kind of easy. As time goes in it can either go two ways. The first one is that that as time passes, more opportunities for getting hurt arise and so you forgive more often and then it becomes easier. The other path it could take is that you get hurt so much that you don't want to forgive. I think you should forgive. After all, forgiving is an attribute of the strong. But what I have been finding so hard is forgetting. How hard is it to forget the time when your friend hurt you? Or the time your mom yelled at you? Or the time that girl you don't know glared at you. Its so hard to forget those moments, but honestly forgetting is something that is part of forgiveness and without forgetting the act of forgiving isn't complete.

Lately I've been quick to forgive but I haven't been able to forget. It just stays in my mind gnawing at every inch of my mind until it tears me apart. For some things, especially the ones that hurt you a lot, I just don't know how to forget.

I should forget though. If you don't forget, chances are you'll bring it up in an argument or the next time that person hurts you.

Something else I should learn to do is to not let it hurt me in the first place. I was thinking and I've become a person that I over analyze everything people say to me and I usually end up taking things the wrong way. I should really learn to let things go and not let things get to me so much and look at the big picture. My main goal in life is to be happy and I should ask myself: Will dwelling on this help me in any way? If the answer is no, then the best thing to do is probably forget it.

I sold my stuff at a flea market today and made money for summer shopping. Then went home to study. I spent time with my dad, something I should do more often. Hmm

Eric Nelson

After school I craved noodles so I went by myself and got myself some milk tea and some wai dai niu rou mian. I felt so local haha.

ANYWAYS.

So Mr. Nelson really put some wise words in my head today. He gave his goodbye speech in the last five minutes of class. I think its such a shame that Earth science is being discontinued next year. But what I think is even more sad is that Mr. Nelson is leaving. Some think he's crazy, some think he's a nerd, but I think he is a genius and I love how although he has had so many setbacks in life he has found something that he loves to do which is teach students something he is so passionate about. I can tell some teachers are teaching just to earn money. This guy is the opposite. Yeah obviously he needs a salary but I honestly think that he does think because he wants to educate people. He wants to share everything he knows with young people. His one and only goal is not to get an A+ in his class but as long as you're learning he is happy for you. I find it amazing how he is willing to stay almost every day till 7 pm at school for students. He is really an inspiration and I love that he is so passionate about what he does. His lectures are the most incredible thing I have ever witnessed.

And today he said something that I know I will remember forever.

"You have the seeds of greatness within you"

that really impacted me.

And at the end he said: Just learn. Cheating is useless. Grades are somewhat useless. Learn everything you can, that's what school is for anyways so why not take advantage of it and educate yourself.

Mental Vomit

So many things on my mind, hence the title.

My day started at 5:30 am today. Fun. Painful morning, yes it was. I thought the day would get better once I went to school. But guess what. Things really didn't get better. In fact, they got worse. Moodiness and pain were just radiating off of me and everyone could tell. I think next week after exams everything will be fine. I'm so stressed right now its kind of painful to think about.

I apologize too much. Its something that I noticed. There's not much to say about it, I don't know if its a bad thing or not. Maybe it means i make too many mistakes or maybe it just means I'm afraid of people getting mad at me. I think its a bit of both.

Today was also my last art class and I finished my project yay. I can't tell if it looks good or not. I think I'll post a picture of some of the things I did soooon.

So lately I've been talking to people that are my friends, some even my very close friends but I've noticed that I'm so lucky to be surrounded by such nice people in my life. I think middle school was just horrible because you're still trying to figure out what kind of people you want to be with and some people are still really fake. But I think ninth grade marked a point in everyone's life where they just started to be who they really are. For some it started at the beginning of this year, and for some at the way end. I can really tell who are the people who I want to share the remaining high school memories with. Unfortunately some of those people have to leave but I'm okay with that now.

I'm so proud of some people like Rene and Maxine for opening themselves up to me and the blogging world. I know its hard at first and you're afraid of being judged but I promise in no time your blog will be only for yourself and you'll get to a point where you think to yourself, "If people judge me, then they're not worth being with. I know my friends won't judge me and my friends are really all that matter so why be worried?" Rene, especially you, when I read your first blog post I was so surprised to see that your true self is shining through. Who knew it took something like a blog to start becoming who you really are?

So Maxine shared this quote with me yesterday:

True friendship is sitting together in silence and feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had

And that's really what my friendship with her feels like. And Maxine, this is to you: Sometimes things have to get better to get worse.This is a time of pain for a lot of people especially because lots of things are coming to an end. Relationships, lives, school, but i think all of these things are capable of starting new beginnings and you just have to look at them in a positive way to get the best out of these occurrences.

And to you, thanks for always brightening up my day. You always make me feel better and sometimes I even forget I'm sick. You're the best.

Fabi

So over the course of this year we have drifted apart a bit. Not because we have chosen to, but because we have been busy with our own lives. When you're so close you don't always need to hang out to prove that you're best friends. But somehow I know you're always there for me. I know I can always pick up the phone just to talk, or stop by your house to chill with you. You're always there for me and this is my time to be there for you. I just want you to know that in times like these or not, I'm always here for you. Today after school I just wanted to go home and chill by myself because my day was honestly far from perfect but I hung out with you because I knew you needed me and if something like this ever happened to me, you'd be there ready to talk. So I hope you know that you can call me at 3 am or whenever. I'm always 378 steps away from your house. I just totally made that number up but we should definitely count one day. Fabi, honestly I miss you. And take what I said to you in to consideration. Enjoy your summer and life goes on. I guess things like these have to happen for better things to come together. And eventually, I promise, things will be better. But right now the best advice I can give you is to just spend some time either by yourself or with a close friend or with your mom or dad depending on your mood. All it takes is time to accept these things. I was going to say "get over" these things. But you never get over these things. You just learn to accept them. I know you're a strong person and I know you can get through all of this. That's wy you;re my best friend.

Te amo.

No One Likes To Be Sick

I know I haven't posted in a while. Apologies.

I guess I've been busy being sick with a stomach virus, singing year books, spending time with people I probably won't get to see for a long time, and making memories that I need so I can hold on to these people for hopefully forever.

“For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.”-Ralph Waldo Emerson

I've always loved this quote but it hit me especially today because I guess I have been getting angry at one person lately. I thought about it a lot today and I know exactly the reason why I've been getting mad so easily. I'm so sensitive about her leaving. It just makes me so incredibly sad. I guess when someone's mad its because deep down they're hurt. And honestly, I'm hurt. I know you don't mean to hurt me but I can't help the fact that I'm hurt. And I really apologize. I know I should be making these last months good for both of us. I have thought about this a lot today because I feel really really bad. I owe you a face to face apology. You know who you are. Thanks for always being there for me and I guess I have just been really irritable lately because I know that you're leaving soon. But it's really not your fault so I can't take it out on you. I apologize.

As for you my dear. I'm sorry for hurting you. I just hope you know what I really want and what I don't want. I hope that after writing that two and a half page essay I wrote for you in your yearbook you realize how much I care about this and us.

Someone else I'd like to mention is my new friend. I've noticed you really do care about me and I know I can trust you with pretty much anything. I don't know how, but you know me really well even though we have just recently started talking. You can count on me for anything buddy. Thanks for always watching out for me :)

I Once

Heard a quote. I wasn't even paying attention at the time. I think I was just spacing out. I can't remember where or when this was but I think it was about 3 or 4 years ago. But right I heard it I got chills down my back and thought about it for the rest of the day. The quote goes something like this.

"You are who you want to be."

At first I took think quite literally. I wanted to be so much like one of my cousins. So I thought to myself that I didn't need to try to be her because I was already like her. As time went by and I thought more and more about this quote I realized two things.

This quote wasn't to be taken literal at all. This quote was talking about you have everything you need to be the person you want to become. Whether you aspire a profession or a lifestyle or just a type of person you want to be. You are equipped with all the tools you need to become a better person and the person you want to become. Intelligence, determination, and all that good stuff. If you were really meant to be the person you wanted to be, you would have all of those attributes. So don't dwell if you want to be a certain type of person like a really caring person or something, chances are because you WANT to it will happen because you will subconsciously use those tools and eventually change.

Be yourself. If this quote is taken literally, you will get thoughts like the ones I had before of wanting to be someone else. Everyone is blessed with good things about them. Everyone has a reason to want to be themselves and no one else. You were given your personality and looks at birth for a reason and I'm sure it was a very good reason. So don't try to change yourself to match someone else. Change yourself for the better, but never to match someone else. BEcause if everyone did that we would eventually have only one type of person. How boring would that be? That would totally defeat the point of even having people different people on this Earth. Everyone was made differently. You can't really change that and if you did it would be quite terrible so why not embrace it?

Enough about that. I will spend the rest of my Friday night watching movies with my mom, and eating apple pie poky sticks. You should try those. They're really really good.

Dear Ingrown Hairs

Hi there. You have been chilling on my legs for more than a month now. You're grossing people out with your redness and pimple-like appearance. People are like "Dude why do you have pimples on your legs?" I usually have to stick up for you and defend your ugliness that resembles a pimple. Then people usually just pretend they're not grossed out and walk away probably thinking I'm some kind of freak who grows pimples all over her body. So I think its time you pack your bags, I think the only bags you have are PUSS, and go back where you came from. Although I don't really know where ingrown hairs came from anyways... But you have been like an annoying little kid who has been deprived from attention all their life and at the worst moment they decided to go all ADD and call for attention. That's what you ingrown hairs remind me of. But anyways, go back to ingrown hair land. You are not wanted here on my legs. My legs need a break from all of the harassment they have received from my friends in the past month.

Yours truly,

The girl who wants you to leave.

These make me happy

I know you can't really tell but its a polaroid. Yay. It looks like our outfits were planned but they really weren't. This boy sure makes me happy.

Also, I recently found a pretty nifty website that I have been reading in the morning before I go to school because it gets me in a good mood.

http://1000awesomethings.com/

Cordially Invited

1. What makes a memory memorable?

Is it the people who you spend that moment with, or something you're doing that you have never done before because usually your firsts are really special and you tend to remember them for a lifetime. Maybe its a song that was playing at that moment or even a smell. I know that's bizarre but you know sometimes you smell something and it reminds you of a certain point in your life? Or a song, most songs instantly take you back to a certain moment or remind you of a special person in your life. I have yet to think about this question but I think its something that will definitely take a long time to get an answer to.

2. Yes I deactivated my facebook. Why? Because I felt like it. This is an example of something that one of my friends mentioned to me today. Everything I do or say is question my my parents or other important people in my life. Sometimes I wish I could just do things without having to worry about a certain group of people or an individual dissuading me or bashing me for doing it. Everyone is free to a certain extent so I'd like to take advantage of that and not have people always control what I do. Sure, give me your opinion on what I do. But don't tell me what to do. I know I sound really rebellious but someone mentioned it today and its so true. If I do something someone is sure to be negatively affected and I don't want that. I never persuade other people not to do something. I just tell them my opinion. I'm talking about the littlest of things here and the big things. I just don't think I need justify every decision or action I make. So yeah, I guess I want to take control of my life a bit more.

3. Exams. Oh gosh words just can't express how amazingly excited I am for these... Plus, I found out today that we are going to have an art exam next year. UMM HI! Why do you think so many students take art till senior year even though they are only required to take one year of it? Because they like it and its the only class they can go to and relax while being productive at the same time. I don't need you to give me an exam to prove that I am learning something. Art is something you can't teach, art is something you find within you. I don't think it should be forced. Have you noticed once something is forced on you its not fun anymore? Honestly, I think school would be so much fun if it wasn't forced, and if tests weren't forced. I strongly disagree with having an art exam next year. It frustrates me.

4. Speaking of frustration... I need to stop getting so frustrated about things. Nothing good comes from ongoing frustration. Be frustrated for a while, but get on with it. Don't let it affect others around you unless it has to and don't let it affect the things you love. In my case, soccer. I get so frustrated sometimes. But someone really special in my life taught me a valuable lesson yesterday and I don't think they know how thankful I am. It really did help. I know that getting frustrated just brings your whole team down and it brings your game down. Just get on with it and just channel your frustration into determination to do better next time. I know I said frustration a lot but there really is no other word to describe that feeling.

5. Something that I really want to do before my beloved cronies leave for boarding school,(which by the way I have accepted after a weekend of sadness which eventually lead to realization that it won't be that bad and I just need to make the best of it) is a sleepover. I haven't had a sleepover in AGES. So Jasmine, and Nicole, one of the reasons why I wrote this blog post is to cordially invite you to pick a date in which we can have an amazing slumber. Haaaa. You pick the date. We can watch the sun rise like we have been wanting to for a while, pig out on our favorite munchies (jasmine: ice cream, nicole: twix, me: marshmallows), and do pretty much whatever we want. So yep, I'm quite excited.

Wow, sixth grade seemed like a long time ago... I have cool friends don't I?

I'm off to take a nap. I will probably end up blogging later because I have lots of things on my mind.

Violin Player

So the Washington Post did this experiment in the New York subway. A man volunteered to play six Bach pieces on the violin for 45 minutes and record people's reactions. 2,000 people passed the man and he earned $32. The reactions were the usual: the occasional shy kid tossing some loose change into the old hat placed on the floor, the busy business man walking by without even glancing at the musician, the average person who pitches in a dollar bill. What these people didn't know was that this man was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most complicated songs, with a violin worth 3.5 million dollars. So this musician who was playing under cover was part of a social experiment about perception, taste and people's priorities.

One possible conclusion reached from this experiment could be this:
If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made …

How many other things are we missing as we rush through life?

I think sometimes we just need to slow down and enjoy life. You can be so caught up in school or work or other things and not realize that you're not actually LIVING you're life to the fullest. When you're old and wrinkly you'll regret not enjoying and actually living your life. I'm pretty sure you won't remember going to work every day and doing the same thing over and over again. Be spontaneous. When you have the chance, stop and look up at the sky once in a while, stop and listen to the musician on the side of the side walk, notice something you haven't noticed before. Don't let life pass you by.

By the way. I am really really really sad right now. The kind of sad where you want to stay in bed and never get out and cry for a really really long time. If I didn't hang out with Nicole today I probably would have done that. But thats what best friends are for. Thank you :)

Vipassana

So I'm not going to write about my saddening day because that will just bring my mood down even more than it already is. I should really cheer up soon but its hard. I'm trying though.

Something that I read about during lunch today in Eat Pray Love ( Or as Nicole says it, Eay Pray Queef... don't ask) is that there is this meditation called Vipassana. I know that sounds really weird but its actually really interesting. Basically, its just sitting. You aren't allowed to move no matter how severe your discomfort. If you feel uncomfortable you are supposed to meditate on that uncomfortableness. In life you will encounter situations where you feel you can't go on anymore. We as humans tend to immediately avoid these situations in order to escape the reality. This meditation teaches that grief, suffering, nuisance are inevitable in life and if you can sit through them all for long enough, you will, in time, that everything eventually does pass. Some situations in life seem as if they are unbearable and I don't think you should just shift yourself to avoid these things. By facing these nuisances you become stronger and if you don't allow yourself to break you WILL become stronger. I know that's quite deep and that might not make sense but to me it makes perfect sense and I know that maybe I don't have to necessarily meditate to do this because the meditation is one aspect of practicing persistence but what I can do is face these situations with a positive attitude and that each of these things are inevitable therefore I should use them to my benefit.

Another thing I'd like to mention is that people who really mean everything they say and who are honest people don't get enough credit and are usually bashed. This is super unfair because they're actually trying to help. Plus, it takes lots of courage to honestly state your opinion without being scared. These people are the people who if you ask for their opinion they're not afraid about your reaction they just want you to know how they feel about it. They just want to be honest. They aren't afraid to say exactly what they think. I really truly admire the people who are like this. I have a friend like this and if I ever have a doubt about something I'll ask her and I can confide in her that she will give me a truthful and meaningful answer. I think people like this are at a disadvantage because they think everyone else are like them and also mean what they say. So if they ask someone for their opinion they are expecting an honest response. This kind of sucks. So I think everyone should start being honest with themselves and the people around them. Say what you mean, and don't be afraid to. Wow I am not making any sense today am I?

Ohh and I was thinking and i realized that Thursdays and Sundays are not good at all. They're my worst days. There's no real reason but some how they always manage to just bite me in the butt no matter how hard I try to make them good.

Enough of that! On to a happier note...

http://colormekatie.blogspot.com/

I absolutely love this blog. She is so creative. I think I might steal some of her ideas because they are simply amazing.

I'm off to a happy place... I think.

The People...

Who make high school so incredibly worth it. The people who I spend most of my time with. The people who make me happy. There are way more. But those will come later.

These are all taken with the camera Nicole and Jasmine gave me for my birthday. I got the photos developed and spent quite a long time scanning them. I actually had fun doing it. Its so exciting :)

I will sure miss A day lunches with you. And probably everything else.

Okay you guys look gorgeous in this picture. Maxineee! I love our long talks. Thats all that has to be said. Well there's a lot of other things. But you know why you're a big part of my life and I have told you endless times in all of the birthday cards I have written you.

Rene I love how you make everyone laugh just be being yourself. Thats something I've never told you but I really like that you're 100% yourself.

Oh dear... What can I say about these two? Both of them will go to some far far away land and leave me here. Not necessarily by myself but at the moment it really feels that way. I am super duper happy for them because they are following their dream and they are achieving their goals. But its really really hard to have your best friends leave. I know I can't suffer forever but for right now I just have to. I'm not going to pretend like it doesn't affect me or that it doesn't chew up my mind sometimes or that i don't cough up tears because I really do. Sometimes you just have to let yourself be sad for a period of time while you learn to accept things. This is going to be one hard fact of life to process. I know that they will always be there for me no matter how many miles away they are. I want them to know that I will be one skype call away. I will miss you both so much. Sorry for my bad moods lately. I guess knowing I have such little time to be with you guys really tears me apart. Love you both to the moon and back ♥

Why hello there Justin. All I wanted to say it congrats on making class president. I know you will do an awesome job :)

So if you wanted to give me anything as something to remember you... It would probably be your shirt. Thanks.

Adrian. What can I say buddy? Apart fro being my art, english, mandarin, and math buddy you're also my listener. The person I spill everything on to. I'm sorry sometimes I just don't shut up but it really helps to have someone just listen and once in a while give you advice. Thank you.

Peyton. I think you're probably one of the most hilarious people I have ever met. You make me laugh. I know that's not very hard, but hey, if you can make Mr. Nelson laugh you're probably doing something right haaaa.

I will miss your clothes. I like them a lot.

“Life gives us brief moments with another…but sometimes in those brief moment we get memories that last a life time…”

—

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